


Back To December

by AvaHasAClosetMurderBoard



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, I was sobbing while I was writing this, Merry Christmas to you all have some feeeeeeeels, Why are they so adorable?, You Have Been Warned, lots of feels guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 06:55:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17137091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvaHasAClosetMurderBoard/pseuds/AvaHasAClosetMurderBoard
Summary: (For the Thasmin Discord Secret Santa 2018)"It had been exactly one year since the last time she had been inside the Tardis. One year since the warm orange glow danced on hers and the Doctor's features. One year since her lips parted, the words leaving her tongue cascading with emotion. One year since she had seen those hazel eyes widen in surprise at first, only to warm with understanding afterwards. One year since she had been rejected gently with the promise that absolutely nothing would change between them. One year since they had still been just Yasmin and the Doctor. One year since commitments were broken and she was left behind, along with Ryan and Graham."





	Back To December

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thasmins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thasmins/gifts).



> Okay first of all: **Merry Christmas Carmen, enjoy the feeeeeeels <3**
> 
> Second, I would like you all reading this to give the amazing **WishingTree** some love because she was my beta reader for this fiction and she took the time to polish the rough edges and make this 100x more beautiful than before! :D
> 
> Also a quick note to thank my loving girlfriend for supplying me with the insane amount of tea needed to fuel me to write this piece. <3 (it really was an insane amount I'm not even joking.)
> 
> And now without further ado, here's the fiction. See you on the other side ~

**Back To December**

 

One year.

 

It had been exactly one year since the last time she had been inside the Tardis. One year since the warm orange glow danced on hers and the Doctor's features. One year since her lips parted, the words leaving her tongue cascading with emotion. One year since she had seen those hazel eyes widen in surprise at first, only to warm with _understanding_ afterwards _._ One year since she had been rejected gently with the promise that absolutely nothing would change between them. One year since they had still been just Yasmin and the Doctor. One year since commitments were broken and she was left behind, along with Ryan and Graham.

 

Ryan and Graham, who had been just as confused but not nearly as hurt as she had, when the Doctor never showed up to pick them up when she said she would. A week had passed; then a month, followed by another and another... They had just resigned themselves to go back to their old, normal human lives, believing the Time Lord had been lost somewhere between the stars and regenerated into someone else with no memory of them.

 

Because to them, that was the only plausible explanation to why she hadn't come back. Yasmin knew better than that; she knew exactly why the Doctor had left, never to return. Guilt had churned on her insides every morning when Ryan would text her a single question mark; every second, minute and hour of the day they would spend sitting on Graham's old couch, the very same one where the Doctor had rested on shortly after meeting them. They just sat there, having tea mostly in silence, only occasionally making small talk about their daily life. She could never bring herself to tell them just how sorry she was and how it had truly been her fault they had been left behind. The words were always there, at the tip of her tongue, every time she caught sight of their forlorn looks and closed faces when the Doctor came up in conversation. But she couldn't, she wouldn't. They would hate her if they knew, hate how she couldn't keep her feelings hidden deep inside. Hate her for breaking their little _'fam'_ apart.

 

So she kept quiet. As time passed, their little get-together days slowly became left frequent, all of them too wrapped up trying to live their lives without the excitement, the wonder and even the danger of their travels. One day the morning messages from Ryan just stopped coming; as did the invites from Graham to come over for a cup of tea. Yasmin hadn't seen the boys in over six months and counting, neither side feeling like making an effort to keep in contact any more. It was understandable, when being in each other's presences only served as a reminder of those days spent in the Tardis, those days they would spend nearly touching the stars.

 

Yaz had been relieved by the lack of contact, the guilt she felt slowly becoming nothing more than a tiny nagging feeling at the back of her mind. But every night afterwards without fail, as she laid her head down on her pillow and closed her eyes, _she_ was there. All warm smiles, bright hazel eyes shinning with curiosity, coat swishing in the wind. _She_ was there, standing over the hill overseeing Sheffield, a hundred unspoken questions burning in the tip of her tongue. _She_ was there, looking at Yasmin like she hung the stars and moon in the sky, hand outstretched for her to take. But every single time she tried to reached for it, the Doctor's body would dissolve into a cloud of orange wisps and she would wake up alone in her own bed, drenched in sweat and cheeks wet with warm tears.

 

The dream wouldn't change and the feeling of it wouldn't leave her for hours afterwards; she had thrown herself head first into work then, taking on more and more until she was too exhausted and numb to even allow herself to _feel._ The silhouette of the woman she fell for so deeply slowly became more and more distant on that green hill as the nights passed; _she_ would still be looking at Yaz over her shoulder, but her once bright eyes had become unreadable and devoid of light; and the outstretched hand was now buried deep in her pocket. It hurt to watch herself drift away from her each time, especially when the Doctor had turn her face towards the city below and refused to acknowledge the younger woman's presence again. The dream never stopped, not even when all Yasmin could discern was the familiar colour of the Time Lord's coat, now nothing more than a stain against the pinks and violets of the sky.

 

When had the sky even changed colour? She remembered it being barely lit by the early rays of the morning sun the first time she dreamed of the Doctor, turning a beautiful shade of blue as their shadows were cast against the green grass... But now that Yaz was trying to forget, now that Yaz was trying to let _her_ go... The sun was setting on them, like an omen.

 

Slowly she started to forget little things. The soothing noises of the Tardis. The warmth the Doctor's hand. The rhythm of twin heartbeats. The smell of motor oil and earl grey combined that was so _hers_. Bright hazel eyes.

 

It hurt. It hurt more than standing on that hill next to the Doctor and not being able to touch her; it hurt more than not telling Ryan and Graham she was the reason they all had been left behind.

 

She was slowly but surely forgetting, the soft features and colours that once composed the Time Lord slowly blurring together in the canvas that was Yasmin's mind.

 

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks one dreamless morning, a sickening feeling in her gut making her bolt out of her bed towards the small bathroom. She wasn't even sure for how long she had been there, just laying on the cold mismatched tiles, when Najia had pushed the door open and found her. What a sight it must have been, Yasmin Khan on her pyjamas, with her messy hair and wet cheeks laying on the bathroom floor. Her mum didn't say anything at first, just kneeled by her side, eyebrows knitted in concern; a warm hand came to gently brush dark strands of hair away from her face before resting on her cheek.

 

She saw it then, that glint on her mum's eyes that just screamed she _knew,_ that she just _knew_ exactly what was wrong; and yet instead of opening her mouth to say something, anything... She just stood there, kneeling on the cold tiles, gently stroking her daughter's cheek, a comforting smile on her lips. The understanding proved to be just a tad too much. A sob broke out, followed by another and another... and the dam broke again. But Najia was there this time, was there to hold her in her arms, was there to whisper careful reassurances against her hair that everything would be alright.

 

Yasmin almost believed her.

 

She had called in sick an hour or so later and went to take a warm shower. When she emerged, hair still dripping wet, her bed had been made with soft, clean sheets. A still steaming cup of tea and a simple piece of toast awaited in her night stand, along with a small note letting her know she would have the house for herself that day but that she shouldn't hesitate in calling or texting if she needed her to come running back. Yasmin whipped the fresh wetness from the corner of her eyes at the gesture.

 

She laid back on her bed after finishing the food and the drink, the feeling of clean sheets and a warm tummy somewhat soothing; but even then she had only managed to fall asleep after a lot of twisting and turning.

 

Unconsciously, Yaz called for that familiar dream to assault her mind again; but all she managed was to find herself back at that same hill overseeing the city, completely alone on the spot where the Doctor had once stood. The sun had set, a million of shimmering stars now visible in the night sky; the city below blurred with colours like an oil painting hanging in a famous museum. Yaz dropped on her knees, the wetness of the grass instantly seeping through her jeans, the same ones she had wore the last time she had seen the Time Lord.

 

Yasmin realized then that she was forgetting everything. The memories of those days slipping through the cracks like it had never happened; like all of it had been nothing more than a vivid dream she had conjured for herself. Just echoes of her loneliness fulfilled by adventures and by people she had met once or twice. Ryan had been a mate and Graham had probably been one of those familiar faces she may have spotted in town once or twice. And the Doctor...

 

_'No',_ she had told herself as she shook her head, _'it was real. It happened. She IS real! I don't want to forget her!'_

 

She shut her eyes against the light that suddenly assaulted her vision, so bright and _warm_ she had to lift an arm to shield herself from it as it burned against her eyelids. She gave it a minute or so before she finally opened her eyes, a gasp escaping her lips as she took notice of the beautiful, clear blue sky above. The hill was proper shimmering now, the grass so green and lush and _soft_ against her fingertips, the midday warm sun kissing her skin; and for the first time in months, she felt at peace. But there was still something missing.

 

Or was it?

 

She heard soft footsteps sounding somewhere behind herself but refused to turn towards the sound, too afraid of what she may see. Whoever it was stopped just behind her, brown eyes widening when a gust of wind suddenly filled her nostrils with that familiar scent she thought long forgotten. Yaz caught a flash of something dark blue and light grey from the corner of her eye, before that sweet voice she hadn't heard in so, so long reached her ears.

 

_'Yasmin Khan.'_

 

She shot out of bed, eyes wide and heart beating _so fast_ she thought it was going to burst out of her ribcage at any second. She placed her hand above it and tried to steady her breathing, mind racing through images, smells, sounds and memories she though long forgotten; flashes of gold and hazel, warm smiles and fleeting touches still as vivid as if they had happened merely just yesterday.

 

The corner of her lips tugged upwards, mirroring the echo of a smile, and Yaz slowly let herself sink back into the mattress. She shouldn't have left anger and sadness take control, she shouldn't have forced herself to simply erase it all from her mind just because it was all too painful to remember. No, it was actually more painful to end up having no memory of those happy days of travel, of saving the world and setting things right. And really, how could she even dare herself to try and forget the insanely brilliant woman, so full of hope and knowledge and adventure and compassion. Yaz decided then the answer was to keep all those things close to her heart, filed under the time she had allowed herself to love the Doctor.

 

It was still going to hurt, for a while at least; but maybe someday she would be able to look at all with fondness and a genuine smile on her face.

 

Yasmin shot a glance towards the digital clock on her night stand. The day was almost over and with only two hours to spare before midnight, she quickly got up and changed out of her pyjamas into something appropriately warm for the chilly December night. She did a quick stop by the bathroom to brush her teeth and her hair, tying it on a loose bun. The dark circles under her eyes were visible but she didn't care; and so with one last glance at the small mirror, she slowly padded her way out of the flat, grabbing her keys and coat on her way out.

 

She wandered aimlessly through the nearly deserted streets of Sheffield, hands burrowed deep into her pockets. The chilly night air bit at her exposed face but she didn't seem to mind, too lost in thoughts and memories. Yasmin found herself stopping by a few familiar places, her eyes and mind deceiving her with faint echoes and glimpses of the Doctor. She saw her sitting outside the café where they had stopped for some warm hot chocolate once. She saw her standing by the book store window, eyes wide and ever curious, begging her to go inside for a quick look. She saw her by the fountain happily devouring an hazelnut ice-cream on a particular warm summer day. She saw her casually leaning against a lamp post, a golden halo obscuring her features as she spoke of times long gone, of starlight and moon dust. And finally she saw Ryan and Graham smiling warmly as the Doctor bounced about in front of the bakery window with a bag of croissants they had bought specially for her.

 

The old church bells tolled loudly, the sound echoing through the night and finally pulling Yasmin out of her dazed state.

 

It was midnight.

 

She raised her gaze towards the sky and frowned deeply as her eyes saw nothing more than thick, dark clouds looming above. It almost fell like a slap to the face, like the universe was conspiring to make this day as painful as possible. She had wanted to feel as close to the Time Lord as possible, gazing up into the stars and wondering where she may be. What she may be doing. If she was alone.

 

But mostly above all, if she was happy.

 

The first small raindrops made contact with her skin when she was nowhere near her flat and she mentally cursed herself for lingering around for too long. The small and light drizzle quickly turned into full on heavy rain in a matter of a few minutes, drenching and chilling her to the bone. It was hard to make out her surrounding with the rain coming down _that_ hard but luckily Yasmin knew the streets like the palm of her hand, taking a few shortcuts here and there as she rushed back home. Her breath was ragged, lungs burning with the effort; she was _so_ close she almost could make out the shape of the tall building in the distance.

 

A familiar, barely discernable whirling sound made her freeze on the spot, as she reached the path leading up to her apartment building. At first, she assumed it was nothing more than her mind playing tricks on her; or even the pouring rain against _something_ that was creating a similar sound to what the Tardis sounded like. But then she saw it, the familiar blue box materializing where it once had stood so long ago, flashes of blue blurred by the raindrops.

 

She took a step, and then another; she rubbed her eyes and pinched her skin, making sure she wasn't dreaming. Once she was sure she was wide awake, her mind started to scream for her to run towards the old police box, to bang at the door until it opened for her, until the familiar face of the Doctor came into view by the console. But her body simply refused to move, too afraid of what she may find inside. What if Graham had been right? What if the Doctor had bitten more than she could chew at some point and regenerated into someone else? Someone with another face, another eyes, another body. Someone that wasn't _her_ but _was_ , at the same time.

 

The rain had eased down slightly by the time the Tardis door finally cracked open, the familiar soft orange glow shrouding Yasmin's form. For a minute or two, there was nothing but the sound of raindrops and that open door; but just as Yaz finally had built the courage to take a step forward, a shadow appeared by door. She would have recognized that silhouette anywhere, the long coat and the golden hair... And then when a head tilted in confusion, she finally saw it through the falling rain: the hazel eyes that haunted her dreams.

 

Yasmin let out an audible sob, her right hand immediately reaching up to cover her mouth, disbelieve present in her features. Warm tears now blurred her vision just as much as the rain had done before, her body shaking but the cold wasn't to blame then. The Doctor could only watch as Yaz unravelled right in front of her, eyes wide and wet as she took the state of her former companion in, hearts twisting painfully with guilt.

 

But when Yaz's knees suddenly buckled underneath her and she nearly fell onto the dirty, wet pavement, the Time Lord moved on instinct, steady hands reaching out to keep the younger woman upright. Brown eyes widened in surprise and she let out an audible gasp, familiar warmth burning through her soaked clothes at her forearms.

 

A painful moment passed before their gazes finally met.

 

The Doctor nearly flinched at just how much _hurt_ she saw reflected on those warm brown eyes, now glassy and peering at her like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. She reasoned she may as well be taken as a ghost, after disappearing for an whole year and suddenly showing up like nothing had ever happen; but that wasn't the truth. A lot had happened during her absence, if the dark circles and shrinking form of her companion was anything to go by. She wasn't looking any better herself, dark circles under her eyes, clothes askew and covered in soot, grime and a few oil stains from the constant tinkering. Her hair was longer and slightly tangled and unkept, the split ends just begging for a cut.

 

She felt the younger woman shake under her grip, a rasped breath leaving her slightly blue tinted parted lips. Realization dawned on her features and she glanced over her shoulder to where the Tardis stood, the dry and much warmer console room just mere meters away. But she couldn't invite Yasmin in, couldn't just ask her inside to a place she hadn't seen for so long, a place that once meant certainty and security, a place _she_ had tainted after letting the girl down gently and promising that nothing would change between them. She doubted Yaz would be willing to step in any way, if the look on her eyes was any indication.

 

Her eyes returned to her companion and she let go of her, slowly watching as her arms fell limp to the sides. The Doctor hastily shrugged her coat off and held it open in between them, hazel eyes silently asking for permission. A beat passed before there was a barely perceptive nod; she immediately stepped close and draped it over Yasmin's shoulders. Once sure it was properly secured, she tried to take a step back and away from the other woman's personal space; but Yaz clearly had no intention of letting her do just that. A hand swiftly snatched her wrist and tugged her forward, catching her completely off guard as their bodies collided with one another and slender arms wrapped tightly around her waist.

 

The Doctor's eyes widen in surprise at the action, hearts beating erratic in her chest. She all but feels Yaz's own unsteady heartbeat, feels her leaning her head down slightly, lips just a thin line as she presses her ear to just _listen._ She hears the strangled sob that escapes afterwards, after she finds what she was looking for; her arms tighten slightly then and she buries her face into soaked golden locks, taking a deep breath through her nose as she does.

 

She stands frozen for a few minutes, clothes clinging to her skin as the soft drizzle soaks through her shirts and pants. She thinks she hears Yaz softly murmuring something against her hair at one point, but isn't completely sure it even happened, mind too wrapped in thoughts and the warm breath tickling her neck. Only when she feels the other woman trying to pull away to look at her do her arms move to finally return the embrace, almost on instinct. The Doctor buries her face in the other woman's neck as well, inhaling the smell that is so familiar, so Yaz, and the only thing she can do is breathe.

 

Closing her eyes, the Time Lord allows herself to have this moment, allows herself to be vulnerable, to just hold this brilliant woman tight against her chest. Yaz's hands are curled loosely against her back even as her arms grip tight, her wet hair is plastered cold against her skin, and suddenly she feels so very small. Her eyes water again and everything comes tumbling down, all those days and nights and months spent alone in the Tardis full of regrets, full of hurt, full of hope that Yasmin would be able to just somehow find it in her heart to understand and forgive her... and move on to someone else, someone more deserving of her affection than a two thousand years old being that despite having two hearts, could act so heartless.

 

Warm tears begin to roll down her cheeks, and she's pretty sure Yasmin knows she's crying when she fells her breath hitch against her neck, her body stiffening. Around them, rain continues to fall, and the Doctor just holds tight, holds the other woman as close as she can before she inevitably pulls away. She knows she will, just as soon as the shock wears off, and though the Doctor has stopped _wars_ , she knows she can't stop this. Yaz has seen unshed tears in the corners of her eyes before, but she's never seen her like this, has never seen her cry, has never even heard her cry - the Doctor had made sure of it. But now? Now she can feel moisture that clearly isn't from the freezing rain, can hear her shaky breathing. She can feel her entire form shake, can feel everything she is, everything she was, everything she never could be crumble and collapse underneath the weight of so much guilt and regret.

 

Arms tighten around her suddenly, hands clutching the back of the navy blue shirt she's wearing, and the Doctor can't help the strangled sob that escapes her lips when one of Yaz's hand relaxes its grip and moves slowly up and down her spine in a soothing manner. How could Yaz even allow herself to try comforting the woman who broke her heart? The woman who lied to her, who left her behind, who abandoned her without even a proper goodbye?

 

Yasmin was like an overflowing well, full of so much love that it would constantly spill over, and she gave it freely. The Doctor felt guilty for even daring to take a small sip and drink her in like this, drink in her kindness and compassion, drink in _her_. She should have pulled away earlier, should have put some distance between them, should have done any number of things that would have spared Yaz all the hurt she caused. At the very least, she should have been the one doing the comforting in this moment. But instead, here she was allowing herself to relax under the soothing touch, her breath evening out as minutes passed. Her heartbeats settled, her tears dried, and when she felt like she didn't have any more to cry, she took one last shuddering breath and blinked her eyes open. Whatever happened next, she was ready to face it. The consequences of her actions were hers to bear, and now was her time to do just that.

 

The Doctor pulled back from the embrace, just enough to meet Yaz's gaze with her own, and she watched as brown eyes blinked open. There was a hint of confusion in them before understanding blossomed, but still, Yasmin wasn't ready to speak yet. Instead, the Time Lord held her breath as Yaz's trembling hand reached out to touch her face, fingers drawing a gentle path from her forehead to her left eyebrow. The touch slid down her cheek to follow the same path her tears had taken just moments before, and the Doctor wasn't sure if she was still breathing as Yaz traced the line of her jaw, pausing when she reached her chin. The contact lingered for a moment, Yaz's eyes focused as she swallowed hard and brushed the pad of her thumb gently over soft lips, and then she looked up again, her hand hesitating before resting lightly on the Time Lord's cheek.

 

There was disbelief still written all over her features, Yaz's mouth opening and closing a few times as she tried to gather her words, and it didn't clear away when she finally voiced her question, the one the Doctor was sure had been at the forefront of her mind. “Is... Is that really you?" she whispered, hopeful voice tempered by a heartbreaking amount of caution, "Are you really here right now?”

 

The Doctor brought her hand up to rest on top of hers, a comforting weight she hoped would reassure her companion and ease her worries. “Yeah, it's me, Yaz." Her voice shook, but she refused to start crying again. "I'm here."

 

Yaz's body visibly relaxed, shoulders dropping like a great weight had just been lifted. Her lips were still pressed together in a thin line, but her eyes were warmer as her free hand moved from the Doctor's waist to tangle in long, golden hair. “You let your hair grow,” she commented, her gaze momentarily lost where her fingers were carefully carding through the strands.

 

“I did.” She couldn't help but chuckle at how absurd and trivial the conversation was. So much to discuss and yet here they stood, talking about hair. “I’ll probably cut it again. Shorter is nicer, doesn't get into your eyes as much! Or your mouth. Or your food...”

 

A small laugh escaped the younger woman, the sound like music to the Doctor's ears. “Shame. I quite like it.”

 

The air felt clearer and lighter between them, their easy glances and half smiles reminding the Doctor of what it used to be like being around this amazing and brilliant woman. Part of her was still struggling with the guilt of what she had done, but now there was a flutter in her hearts and a warmth in her chest, overwhelming in the best way. The hand on her cheek felt warmer and steadier, just as Yaz did. She was standing with her chin raised, the corners of her mouth turning upwards every so often, but although she was mirroring her actions, she wasn't completely there. A dark cloud was still looming behind her eyes, but this was a good start.

 

The rain had finally stopped, but they were completely soaked to the bone. Yasmin was the first to suffer the effects when a shiver shook her form, making her teeth clatter, and she couldn't stop the way she began to tremble with cold. Worry was back in an instant, concern shining in hazel eyes, and the Doctor glanced over her shoulder again at the inviting old police box sat behind them.

Hesitation lined her movements as she flicked her eyes between the two of them. Yaz followed her gaze and saw the way the other woman's jaw was set, and she immediately understood why they had been out in the pouring rain.

 

She remembers the last time she had been inside the TARDIS, remembers her confession, the gentle rejection, the broken promise. She remembers it all. Walking through those doors again meant compromise; not only for her but for the Doctor, and she wasn't sure she was ready for it yet, ready to actually sit and talk things out and hear the other side of the story. But if she didn't, if she turned on her heel and marched back home, there was a possibility the Time Lord would take it as rejection and leave, slipping through her fingers again. Staring at her now, she doubted that she would; she looked like she had been through hell and back.

 

Yasmin owed this much to herself and to this woman who had crash landed into her life and sneaked her way into her heart. She breathed out through her nose and moved the hand that had been resting on the Doctor's cheek to twist it around and lace their fingers together. Hazel eyes immediately fell on their joined hands and then on her eyes, searching, begging and screaming _'be sure'_ just as they had done so long before.

 

She surprised herself when she was the one who took the first step towards the Tardis, the Doctor's coat still hanging from her shoulders as she stepped into the familiar console room, the Time Lord in tow. She had never been so sure of anything as she was now with the familiar hum filling her ears, welcoming her back home.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I know the end is open, I made it so or otherwise this fiction would be twice as longer and I wouldn't have it finished on schedule. And yes, I may write a sequel/add a second chapter after the holidays when I have more time. 
> 
> For now, just enjoy it as it is and thank you so much for reading <3
> 
> Songs used in the making of this piece:   
> Happy Now - Zedd & Elley Duhé  
> Back To December - Taylor Swift


End file.
